Happy New Year Everyone!!! It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog, and I plan on being more consistent in 2019! To be honest, I write daily. However, my family and I went through a lot about 2 weeks after my last post. I wasn’t able to write what was going on, and I definitely wasn’t able to encourage anybody during that time. Honestly, it was one of my lowest lows in life ever. To make a long story short. Some of you who know me, know that my family and I changed our family dynamic officially on 12/22/17. A little boy that my husband met through basketball, became a part of our family. My husband, James, coached his older brother, and without getting into too much details, there was a need for him to be in a home. Well, we prayed about this for months. I had dreams. I cried. I got counsel from people that I trust, and after all of that we had peace about our decision to take the boy into our home. We were obedient even though our plates were full, we knew if God called us to it, then he would help us. God answered our prayer for that season. Well, unfortunately a lot took place in October of 2018, that I can’t necessarily write about. However, I can share my frustrations, confusions, and ultimately my peace about the current situation, as best as I can, to try and encourage someone, somehow.
It was hard for me to write about anything without addressing the big elephant in the room. So here’s my attempt. Unfortunately, at this moment the little boy is no longer living with us. It came to the point where it was completely out of our hands. I do the best that I can to still try and be in his life, and we have seen him several times since he’s left. Although I do not see him daily anymore, I pray for him every single day. He makes up about 60% of my prayer journal. You see this journey is very complicated, and at one point I had to ask, “God why did you make us meet this little boy.” I was sharing those thoughts with someone and they said to pray for him. However, I like to be hands on, and help out as much as I can, if I am able. Well this entire journey has taught me a lot of lessons. The biggest lesson is I learned that I am not God, and I am not in control. God is God. He knows exactly what is going to happen, and at the end of they day His will prevails.
I felt guilty and disappointed that things didn’t work out the way that I thought they would. I was confused why I got all of these green lights to go forward, if things were going to end the way they did. I didn’t understand a lot, but this is one battle that I can honestly say I praised my way through it. Don’t get me wrong I was still down, I cried a lot, but I wasn’t angry. I spoke to people I love about the matter, and I went to Pure Heart Church to get prayers about the situation. To make a long story short, the day before a court visit, I was listening to “This Is How I Fight My Battles.” I spent the whole day praying the night before. I went in there optimistic that God would turn everything around, and we will complete the task at hand. However, I prayed a very specific prayer. I said Lord let YOUR WILL be done today. In my head I thought that meant everything was going to go back to how it was. Well to make a long story short, it was on that day that the situation was officially out of our hands. But after a lot of prayer, and going out with my teacher friends one night, and my 2 good college friends the other night, I realized that we were obedient to bringing the little boy into our home. We poured a lot into him the 10 months he was with us. He saw us pray. He saw prayers come to pass. He prayed for us. We prayed for him. We made memories. We traveled. We ate. We loved. We cried. We laughed. We did the best that we could, and then the season was over. At least in this moment the season is over. You see I realize I serve a Big God. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. I truly believe that this little boy’s story is still being written. It is not over. We are trying to be a part of his life, possibly on a weekly basis, but even that’s a fight. However, thankfully he was able to hang out last Sunday and he had a good time, but the story is so much deeper. There’s just so much. However, here is the bright side. We are not meant to carry the load of other people to the point where it crushes us. We are meant to take that load to the cross. I lift up the little boy every day in prayer, and I genuinely hope and pray that his story has a good ending. I would love to be in his life at a bigger capacity, if we’re allowed, but all of that is to be determined. However, ultimately I want God’s will to be done.
Let me share this little quote that God put on my heart, when I ran my first half marathon on 12/29/2018. “God may answer our prayers for a season, but when that season is up, remember He is God not us.” That quote came, simply because I started running and it was soooo hot. I was wondering why in the world I chose to run on such a hot and humid day. Well, I was only about 2 miles in when the sun was kicking my butt. I literally prayed and said, “God, can you please send a cloud to block the sun.” (But that wasn’t it…lol :)) “God and after you send that cloud can you let it rain.” (But that wasn’t it either.) “Lord after the rain, can you let it just be cool.” Well guess what? About 2 minutes after the prayer, there was a cloud that blocked the sun. I was so excited. God answered my prayer! Well 5 minutes after that the sun was beaming again, and that’s when that quote was put on my heart. It gave me peace for the situation with this little boy.
As I’m writing, it did actually sprinkle for like 2 minute at about mile 5. However, I was worried about my phone, and I hoped it wouldn’t rain after all. The sun was still out, but thankfully the majority of my trail was covered by trees, so I was protected. So in a way God did answer my prayer. Not exactly when I wanted it to happen, which was at that specific moment during mile 2. However, God did allow it to rain for 2 minutes, but it quickly stopped (Thankfully so because my phone would’ve been in a bad state), and the sun didn’t bother me, because I was protected by the trees. Okay, I wasn’t expecting to go here, I didn’t even realize all of this until writing right now. God did answer my prayer during that run, just not at the moment in mile 2. However, by the end of the race I experienced the cloud blocking the sun, a little rain, and cooler weather because of the protection of the trees, not necessarily the change of weather. So here’s what I think the lesson is with this little boy. His story is still being written. I will keep praying for him every single day. I pray God watches over him, protects him, and keeps him. I pray he finds peace and healing. He has such amazing qualities, and I pray one day he shares that with the world and uses his talents for good. I pray a lot of other things also, but you get my point. There is so much more to this story, and there’s so much more that will be written. The thing is I have learned to trust God no matter what. To let go of the idea that we are in control of others. To love others even when their season is “over.” To be humble enough to realize that God is in control of the seasons and not us. To not take things personally. To pray for others when their time with us is up. However, I know God is in control. I know this story is far from over. So I just pray and do the best that I can, because ultimately I believe we met this little boy for a reason, and although things didn’t end up the way we planned, the story is still being written, and only God knows how it will end. In the meantime, I do the best that I can, and I pray! I guess my encouragement to anyone who feels confused because something you prayed for didn’t turn out the way you wanted, would be something Pastor Erik Kingsley told me last year, after the passing of a little girl I was praying for. “Our faith has to be in God, not in the outcome of our prayer.” No matter how things may look we have to trust that God is in control of the seasons, and every thing that God orchestrates has purpose for His time, His will, and His way. Hopefully this is an encouragement to someone, somehow.